Snarky ColdWinter #2

[fist_of_hydra]

The team had been arguing for a while now, and getting nowhere. They'd narrowed Savage's location down to Italy in September of 1944, but couldn't get any farther than that. James thought he had a pretty good guess what Savage wanted - this was where HYDRA had most of their facilities, and the Red Skull would be the perfect ally to Savage.

The only people who would have any further intelligence about Savage's possible movements were the Allied or Axis forces. Neither were going to hand the information over to a bunch of strangers. Ray wanted to play dress up and march in, pretend to be an officer and demand the information. Sara wanted to go in at night and steal it. There were half a dozen other ideas floating around, and all of them were bad. Quite a few of them were likely to get them shot at.

Ray might be onto something, though. At least, if you turned your head and looked at the idea sideways. Trying to march in and claim to be an officer nobody in the camp had ever seen was asking for a swift visit from the MPs.

Marching in and claiming to be an officer everyone in the camp had seen was another matter.

James had been lurking by the doorway, as was his habit, rather than sitting around the table with the others. He hadn't been contributing, so he was able to slip out without inciting comment. Once in the hall, he strode toward the fabrication room. "Gideon. Do you have any footage or photos of me in uniform in this time period?"

"Of course, Mr. Barnes."

"Good. I need a copy made, and make sure it looks worn and used. Can you do that?"

"Certainly."

"Then do it." James strode into the fabrication area, where a uniform was already synthesizing. He paused, looking at it, and rubbed a hand over the scruff on his chin.

Five minutes later he strode back toward the main room. It felt odd to be back in this uniform. Gideon had even managed to make it smell right - which was to say, like blood and gunpowder and harsh lye soap. Even stranger was not feeling his hair brushing against his cheeks and neck. He hadn't had short hair since HYDRA took him, and he found he already missed it long.

This wasn't him, anymore. It felt like the ghost of Bucky Barnes was riding his shoulders, and the weight was pressing him down.

"...are we supposed to do, walk in and ask them nicely?" Sara was saying, her tone full of exasperation as she threw her hands up at Ray.

"That's exactly what we're gonna do." James rose his voice enough to cut through the babble. Everyone turned to look at him, and most of them did a wide-eyed double-take. He raised an eyebrow at them. "It's just a matter of the right person doing the asking."

Comments

[coldlenny]

Len sighed through his nose. Peggy looked taken aback, but of course she didn't know that he really didn't remember a lot of his old life.

He put a hand on James' arm, attracting his attention. "Don't be such a prude about it. Just because you were a flirt, doesn't mean you were trying to cheat. There's a difference between having fun and going after someone who's off limits."

"He's right," Peggy said. "You'd never have made a serious overture, of course. I don't think your interest in me has ever been anything more than casual. It was just... in your nature." Her eyebrows pinched with worry. "I don't understand. You don't remember this?"

[fist_of_hydra]

Glancing up at Len, James studied his expression to assess sincerity. It was true that Len often still flirted with people - especially the Flash - but he'd always assured James that it didn't mean anything. So if Steve had known about and been okay with James flirting with Peggy, it must have been all right.

Shaking his head, he sighed. "All right, then. Good." He looked back at Peggy, the weight of the world showing in his eyes. "There's a lot of things I don't remember. And even more things that have changed. I'm not the same guy anymore." Nor did he want to be. That was part of the reason he'd switched the name he used, though only part of it. He was who he was, not a ghost or a memory.

It was also part of why he still didn't spend much time with Steve, but that wasn't something he wanted to go into with Peggy. "I'll tell you why if you really wanna know... but trust me, you don't."

[coldlenny]

Len looked back at him, slightly impatient. He wasn't about to apologize for being flirtatious, and this was a somewhat irritating personality quirk of his otherwise fairly flawless lover. Peggy watched something pass between them, and her eyes widened slightly.

"Yes... I can see some things have definitely changed," she said, casting a pensive glance at Len. "No, perhaps it's best if you don't give me all of the details." She looked pained. "You know that I care for you, James."

[fist_of_hydra]

The half-glare from Len didn't go unnoticed by James, either. He shrugged at the other man. He wasn't going to apologize for being who he was, either. James had his issues, so did Len. So far they'd managed to keep working it out, and he fully intended to continue doing so.

He'd make it up to his lover later. Soon, hopefully, because he desperately wanted to wash the too-familiar stink of 1944 off of him, preferably by burying himself in the taste and scent and feel of Len instead.

Right now he still had to deal with Peggy. He could tell she was suspicious, and he definitely recalled there being a lot of prejudices against men together, back before HYDRA. He met her look with a challenging one of his own, daring her to judge him for the one scrap of happiness he'd claimed as his own.

Her words made him soften a little, though. "I know. I care about you, too, and not just 'cause you're Steve's girl. I'm okay. Better than okay, now. And heading upward. That's why I don't want to risk losing it."

[coldlenny]

Peggy nodded and reached for James again, taking his flesh hand in both of her own. "I'm glad to hear it. And ultimately, that's all that matters." She leaned closer and gave him a peck on the cheek, gentle and sad.

Then she directed a Look at Len. "And you, sir, had better do right by him."

Len smirked lazily. "You've got nothing to worry about."

[fist_of_hydra]

Yep, she'd definitely figured it out. And didn't appear upset about it, at least. Screw it, then. If she wasn't going to go report his younger self for 'conduct unbecoming a gentleman', he wanted the Goddamn physical contact.

So when she let go of his hand he reached out and caught Len's instead. "Don't go dropping any hints to Bucky that you 'know'," he told her wryly, watching her gaze drop to their twined fingers. "You'll just freak him out. He's - I'm - still in denial."

It was difficult to think of the man out there right that moment as him. Not only were his memories of the time fuzzy, he imagined that anyone who could stand beside themselves would have a hard time processing it.

[coldlenny]

Now it was James who was subjected to the Look. "What do you take me for, Barnes? Honestly."

Len snorted with laughter. "All right, then are we done here? Everything's all happy and forgiven, and you can go back to camp, now?"

Peggy sighed and nodded. "Yes, of course. I should allow you to get back to your mission." She looked up at James. "Thank you for telling me the truth."

[fist_of_hydra]

Once again James smiled. Not much more than a quirk of the lips, but even that wasn't something he did anymore for anyone but Len. Smirked sometimes, yes. Expressions that looked like a smile but could only be described as grim or dark, absolutely. But a genuine smile? Peggy had no idea how rare that was.

And would be horrified if she did realize, probably.

"Thanks for not shooting first and asking questions later," he replied, tone dry but no longer gruff or unsteady. "I'm sorry you're gonna have to do this. I promise you, it is worth it. For me, at least. And it's my choice." He shook his head. "Even if I'd known what was coming, even if I didn't know I'd end up happy with how it fell out... I'd still have chosen to go with Steve, to be there at his back while I could be. Tell him that, when it happens. It won't help much, but even a little is something."

[coldlenny]

"I will tell him."

She nodded, and her eyes were somewhat misty. Still, she squared her shoulders. "Well then. Be well, Sergeant. I'll be off." With that farewell, she turned and headed back into the trees alone.

Len watched her go, then glanced up at James, fingers tightening. "Need a minute?"

[fist_of_hydra]

Blowing out a hard breath, James nodded. He was trembling again, all the weight of the last few hours crashing down on him at once. Taking a couple steps back, dragging Len along with him, he leaned against the invisible side of the ship for support.

Then he drew Len in close, wrapping his arms around the other man. "It's so damn tempting," he admitted, his voice rough. "Stop myself from going on the mission - hell, tell her where to find me after the war is over, I'd still be mostly okay. If I could find any way to do it that wouldn't mean losing you... fuck Hunter and his rules, I'd do it."

[coldlenny]

Len wrapped his arms around James and held him close, feeling him trembling. He wasn't good with emotions, but he could certainly hold James while he felt them.

He couldn't imagine how James could even willingly do this. "You should do it," he said, though his voice was rough and his arms tightened. "You know that, right? If you were saved from HYDRA, you wouldn't need an old crook like me. You'd have some beautiful blonde and a white picket fence in no time."

[fist_of_hydra]

"I know. I didn't stop you from stealing that emerald, did I? Fuck, I helped you do it. I knew what it would mean." If Len's old man hadn't dragged him into the criminal life, what would Len have become? Something amazing, probably, with that incredible mind of his. He could plan the shit out of anything.

If he hadn't been a criminal, James would never have met him casing the bank. And there was nobody else out there like Len, nobody. Someone who could understand and appreciate both the darker and lighter sides of James?

But James hadn't hesitated, because Len Goddamn deserved a life where he wasn't beaten and used like a tool. This was no different.

[coldlenny]

It hurt to consider it. Len didn't tend to be selfless. But here he was, anyway, trying to convince James to leave him.

"Then why don't you?" he demanded. "Maybe the future wants to happen, but at least there's a chance. You've been through a hundred times worse than I ever did, and you deserve better."

[fist_of_hydra]

"Because then I wouldn't be me!" James burst out, glaring at him. The anger was a thin and not very effective veneer over anguish and doubt. "I'd be him. Bucky. And yeah, maybe he deserves better, maybe I do, but I'm me and I want to stay me! You know that, you know that's why I avoid Steve, because he'd want to turn me back into Bucky."

His chest was heaving with emotion, great gasps for air, and his shivering had nothing to do with cold. He didn't cry anymore, wasn't sure it was something he was still capable of, but his eyes burned with the dryness.

"I want to be here, now, doing this. As me. With you. That means he has to die. To avoid that, for him to live, I'd have to die."

[coldlenny]

Len went still, realizing he'd fucked up, and maybe fucked up badly. He had no attachment to the man that James had been, and was sure that that man wouldn't have wanted Len. But to Len that didn't mean that they were different people - no more than the innocent child Leo he had talked to was a different person. They had both been through hell and come out changed, but the person they had been before shaped who they were now just as much as the pain had.

He knew he didn't get it, but that didn't actually matter. What mattered was that James felt that way. He tightened his grip, helpless to soothe James' distress. "If you wanna be here now with me, then that's where you should be," he said gruffly, confused and uncertain, but doing his best to be supportive.

[fist_of_hydra]

Going quiet, James rested his cheek against Len's, soaking up his lover's presence and letting it ease some of his agitation. When he sighed and spoke again, his voice was steadier. "Sorry. I'm taking this out on you. I keep going back and forth, over and over, swinging from one side to the other. The only thing I'm sure of is that you're the best thing that ever happened to me, and I can't imagine finding some dame that would fit me half as well as you do. Even if the person she'd be fitting didn't have anywhere near as many rough edges."

[coldlenny]

Len slowly relaxed as James got hold of himself, realizing that somehow his presence was working, even though he really had no idea what to say or do.

"Not surprising," he said softly. "You know the answer I... fuck." He winced. "I never even thought about how me setting out to change my past might make you feel. I just thought...we'd be together anyway."

[fist_of_hydra]

Pulling back enough for them to see each other, James gave him a twisted smile. "Maybe we would have. Even if he didn't actually hurt you, he'd still have been a crooked cop, and might have dragged you into it. But maybe without the extra pressure, without feeling like you had to stay to protect Lisa from the abuse, you'd have gotten out and gone straight. Made some kind of big shot of yourself."

He shrugged. "Either way, I knew you had to try. It wasn't just for you, it was for your sister and your mom, too. That's different from me trying to save myself."

[coldlenny]

"Why's that different?" Len demanded. What James had just said bothered him - frankly, his mother and sister hadn't been the reason he did what he did. First, he had been looking out for himself, and James was assuming he had this selfless reason.

"You saying I shouldn't have done what I did, if I didn't have a sister? I think you deserve to be saved, too."

[fist_of_hydra]

"What? No, that's..." James struggled to put what he felt into words, brows drawing down. "Of course you'd have deserved to try, even if you didn't have a sister. Not saying I'd have objected in that case, either. But I didn't... I couldn't even think about whether I wanted to object, because it wasn't just about you and me. My relationship with you might or might not give me a right to an opinion about your life, but it sure as hell doesn't give me the right to say anything about hers."

Given how protective Len could be of his baby sister, he'd assumed changing things had been to save her, too. But even if Len's motivations had been purely selfish, it still would have resulted in less hell for Lisa to live through.

[coldlenny]

It had been to save her, too, of course. But if Len hadn't had a sister, he'd still have wanted to do what he'd done - and it had sounded like James was saying that it wasn't right for him to change his past and prevent HYDRA from turning him into a weapon, since it was only to protect himself.

"And I've got no right to try to say that you can't save yourself," Len agreed quietly. "But I also don't think that you don't have the right to save yourself, even if that's the only person you're saving. If you feel the pain is worth it, that's fine... but it seems to me that staying with me can't be that good. You're gonna swell my ego."

[fist_of_hydra]

"That'd be hard to do. It's already at bursting level." The teasing was awkward and rough, but the fact that James wanted to tease him was a good sign he was recovering. His flicker of a smile faded quickly, but at least he wasn't scowling anymore.

"I guess that is what I was saying, but it wasn't what I meant. Kind of. Hell, I don't know." He felt so turned around, being in this time and around these people, that he hardly knew whether he was coming or going. "I never even thought about coming back to change things, but now that I'm here, it's hard not to. I don't know what I want."

[coldlenny]

The fact that James had made an attempt to tease him was definitely a good sign. Len smiled and gave him a squeeze, though he also had some trouble maintaining the expression.

"Look, we've got time before we track down Savage. We can always get a message to Carter if you change your mind." He tilted his head and kissed his lover on the cheek. "No matter what you wind up deciding to do, just know I'll ice anyone who tries to stop you."

[fist_of_hydra]

"I wish I didn't have a chance to change my mind. I'd rather have it out of my hands." Then he wouldn't have to keep see-sawing back and forth, giving himself mental whiplash. Sometimes he changed his mind so fast he wanted to do both things at once, impossible as that would be.

He returned the kiss, on the lips this time, putting everything he felt into the kiss. All his anguish about the choice, but also all his need to have Len with him, to not lose this incredible thing that had been born out of the ashes of his life.

"I'm yours," he whispered. Their unspoken code for 'I love you', words neither of them could seem to bring themselves to say.

[coldlenny]

"Better you get a chance to decide for sure what you want, rather than regretting later that you didn't do something," Len pointed out softly.

He leaned into the kiss, drinking it in and doing what he could with hands and lips to convey to James that he cared for him, and wanted what was best for him, no matter what that might be.

"I'm yours, too," he murmured warmly. "Shall we go in? Raymond's probably unconscious by now and I wanted to get a few shots in."