Snarky ColdWinter #2

[fist_of_hydra]

The team had been arguing for a while now, and getting nowhere. They'd narrowed Savage's location down to Italy in September of 1944, but couldn't get any farther than that. James thought he had a pretty good guess what Savage wanted - this was where HYDRA had most of their facilities, and the Red Skull would be the perfect ally to Savage.

The only people who would have any further intelligence about Savage's possible movements were the Allied or Axis forces. Neither were going to hand the information over to a bunch of strangers. Ray wanted to play dress up and march in, pretend to be an officer and demand the information. Sara wanted to go in at night and steal it. There were half a dozen other ideas floating around, and all of them were bad. Quite a few of them were likely to get them shot at.

Ray might be onto something, though. At least, if you turned your head and looked at the idea sideways. Trying to march in and claim to be an officer nobody in the camp had ever seen was asking for a swift visit from the MPs.

Marching in and claiming to be an officer everyone in the camp had seen was another matter.

James had been lurking by the doorway, as was his habit, rather than sitting around the table with the others. He hadn't been contributing, so he was able to slip out without inciting comment. Once in the hall, he strode toward the fabrication room. "Gideon. Do you have any footage or photos of me in uniform in this time period?"

"Of course, Mr. Barnes."

"Good. I need a copy made, and make sure it looks worn and used. Can you do that?"

"Certainly."

"Then do it." James strode into the fabrication area, where a uniform was already synthesizing. He paused, looking at it, and rubbed a hand over the scruff on his chin.

Five minutes later he strode back toward the main room. It felt odd to be back in this uniform. Gideon had even managed to make it smell right - which was to say, like blood and gunpowder and harsh lye soap. Even stranger was not feeling his hair brushing against his cheeks and neck. He hadn't had short hair since HYDRA took him, and he found he already missed it long.

This wasn't him, anymore. It felt like the ghost of Bucky Barnes was riding his shoulders, and the weight was pressing him down.

"...are we supposed to do, walk in and ask them nicely?" Sara was saying, her tone full of exasperation as she threw her hands up at Ray.

"That's exactly what we're gonna do." James rose his voice enough to cut through the babble. Everyone turned to look at him, and most of them did a wide-eyed double-take. He raised an eyebrow at them. "It's just a matter of the right person doing the asking."

Comments

[coldlenny]

"I will tell him."

She nodded, and her eyes were somewhat misty. Still, she squared her shoulders. "Well then. Be well, Sergeant. I'll be off." With that farewell, she turned and headed back into the trees alone.

Len watched her go, then glanced up at James, fingers tightening. "Need a minute?"

[fist_of_hydra]

Blowing out a hard breath, James nodded. He was trembling again, all the weight of the last few hours crashing down on him at once. Taking a couple steps back, dragging Len along with him, he leaned against the invisible side of the ship for support.

Then he drew Len in close, wrapping his arms around the other man. "It's so damn tempting," he admitted, his voice rough. "Stop myself from going on the mission - hell, tell her where to find me after the war is over, I'd still be mostly okay. If I could find any way to do it that wouldn't mean losing you... fuck Hunter and his rules, I'd do it."

[coldlenny]

Len wrapped his arms around James and held him close, feeling him trembling. He wasn't good with emotions, but he could certainly hold James while he felt them.

He couldn't imagine how James could even willingly do this. "You should do it," he said, though his voice was rough and his arms tightened. "You know that, right? If you were saved from HYDRA, you wouldn't need an old crook like me. You'd have some beautiful blonde and a white picket fence in no time."

[fist_of_hydra]

"I know. I didn't stop you from stealing that emerald, did I? Fuck, I helped you do it. I knew what it would mean." If Len's old man hadn't dragged him into the criminal life, what would Len have become? Something amazing, probably, with that incredible mind of his. He could plan the shit out of anything.

If he hadn't been a criminal, James would never have met him casing the bank. And there was nobody else out there like Len, nobody. Someone who could understand and appreciate both the darker and lighter sides of James?

But James hadn't hesitated, because Len Goddamn deserved a life where he wasn't beaten and used like a tool. This was no different.

[coldlenny]

It hurt to consider it. Len didn't tend to be selfless. But here he was, anyway, trying to convince James to leave him.

"Then why don't you?" he demanded. "Maybe the future wants to happen, but at least there's a chance. You've been through a hundred times worse than I ever did, and you deserve better."

[fist_of_hydra]

"Because then I wouldn't be me!" James burst out, glaring at him. The anger was a thin and not very effective veneer over anguish and doubt. "I'd be him. Bucky. And yeah, maybe he deserves better, maybe I do, but I'm me and I want to stay me! You know that, you know that's why I avoid Steve, because he'd want to turn me back into Bucky."

His chest was heaving with emotion, great gasps for air, and his shivering had nothing to do with cold. He didn't cry anymore, wasn't sure it was something he was still capable of, but his eyes burned with the dryness.

"I want to be here, now, doing this. As me. With you. That means he has to die. To avoid that, for him to live, I'd have to die."

[coldlenny]

Len went still, realizing he'd fucked up, and maybe fucked up badly. He had no attachment to the man that James had been, and was sure that that man wouldn't have wanted Len. But to Len that didn't mean that they were different people - no more than the innocent child Leo he had talked to was a different person. They had both been through hell and come out changed, but the person they had been before shaped who they were now just as much as the pain had.

He knew he didn't get it, but that didn't actually matter. What mattered was that James felt that way. He tightened his grip, helpless to soothe James' distress. "If you wanna be here now with me, then that's where you should be," he said gruffly, confused and uncertain, but doing his best to be supportive.

[fist_of_hydra]

Going quiet, James rested his cheek against Len's, soaking up his lover's presence and letting it ease some of his agitation. When he sighed and spoke again, his voice was steadier. "Sorry. I'm taking this out on you. I keep going back and forth, over and over, swinging from one side to the other. The only thing I'm sure of is that you're the best thing that ever happened to me, and I can't imagine finding some dame that would fit me half as well as you do. Even if the person she'd be fitting didn't have anywhere near as many rough edges."

[coldlenny]

Len slowly relaxed as James got hold of himself, realizing that somehow his presence was working, even though he really had no idea what to say or do.

"Not surprising," he said softly. "You know the answer I... fuck." He winced. "I never even thought about how me setting out to change my past might make you feel. I just thought...we'd be together anyway."

[fist_of_hydra]

Pulling back enough for them to see each other, James gave him a twisted smile. "Maybe we would have. Even if he didn't actually hurt you, he'd still have been a crooked cop, and might have dragged you into it. But maybe without the extra pressure, without feeling like you had to stay to protect Lisa from the abuse, you'd have gotten out and gone straight. Made some kind of big shot of yourself."

He shrugged. "Either way, I knew you had to try. It wasn't just for you, it was for your sister and your mom, too. That's different from me trying to save myself."

[coldlenny]

"Why's that different?" Len demanded. What James had just said bothered him - frankly, his mother and sister hadn't been the reason he did what he did. First, he had been looking out for himself, and James was assuming he had this selfless reason.

"You saying I shouldn't have done what I did, if I didn't have a sister? I think you deserve to be saved, too."

[fist_of_hydra]

"What? No, that's..." James struggled to put what he felt into words, brows drawing down. "Of course you'd have deserved to try, even if you didn't have a sister. Not saying I'd have objected in that case, either. But I didn't... I couldn't even think about whether I wanted to object, because it wasn't just about you and me. My relationship with you might or might not give me a right to an opinion about your life, but it sure as hell doesn't give me the right to say anything about hers."

Given how protective Len could be of his baby sister, he'd assumed changing things had been to save her, too. But even if Len's motivations had been purely selfish, it still would have resulted in less hell for Lisa to live through.

[coldlenny]

It had been to save her, too, of course. But if Len hadn't had a sister, he'd still have wanted to do what he'd done - and it had sounded like James was saying that it wasn't right for him to change his past and prevent HYDRA from turning him into a weapon, since it was only to protect himself.

"And I've got no right to try to say that you can't save yourself," Len agreed quietly. "But I also don't think that you don't have the right to save yourself, even if that's the only person you're saving. If you feel the pain is worth it, that's fine... but it seems to me that staying with me can't be that good. You're gonna swell my ego."

[fist_of_hydra]

"That'd be hard to do. It's already at bursting level." The teasing was awkward and rough, but the fact that James wanted to tease him was a good sign he was recovering. His flicker of a smile faded quickly, but at least he wasn't scowling anymore.

"I guess that is what I was saying, but it wasn't what I meant. Kind of. Hell, I don't know." He felt so turned around, being in this time and around these people, that he hardly knew whether he was coming or going. "I never even thought about coming back to change things, but now that I'm here, it's hard not to. I don't know what I want."

[coldlenny]

The fact that James had made an attempt to tease him was definitely a good sign. Len smiled and gave him a squeeze, though he also had some trouble maintaining the expression.

"Look, we've got time before we track down Savage. We can always get a message to Carter if you change your mind." He tilted his head and kissed his lover on the cheek. "No matter what you wind up deciding to do, just know I'll ice anyone who tries to stop you."

[fist_of_hydra]

"I wish I didn't have a chance to change my mind. I'd rather have it out of my hands." Then he wouldn't have to keep see-sawing back and forth, giving himself mental whiplash. Sometimes he changed his mind so fast he wanted to do both things at once, impossible as that would be.

He returned the kiss, on the lips this time, putting everything he felt into the kiss. All his anguish about the choice, but also all his need to have Len with him, to not lose this incredible thing that had been born out of the ashes of his life.

"I'm yours," he whispered. Their unspoken code for 'I love you', words neither of them could seem to bring themselves to say.

[coldlenny]

"Better you get a chance to decide for sure what you want, rather than regretting later that you didn't do something," Len pointed out softly.

He leaned into the kiss, drinking it in and doing what he could with hands and lips to convey to James that he cared for him, and wanted what was best for him, no matter what that might be.

"I'm yours, too," he murmured warmly. "Shall we go in? Raymond's probably unconscious by now and I wanted to get a few shots in."

[fist_of_hydra]

"Yeah." Sighing, James reluctantly disengaged from his lover, turning to head for the ramp into the ship. "I want my damn hair back. If there's any chance we might run into the Commandos, I need to look as little like my old self as I can."

He paused, frowning, as an unwelcome thought occurred to him. Unwelcoming, but almost certainly necessary. "I should probably do the full Winter Soldier thing. Show off the arm, wear the mask, maybe even the goggles. Steve didn't recognize me in the future until he yanked my mask off, fighting me."

[coldlenny]

"Mask and goggles," Len echoed, frowning. He'd seen pictures of James on the news - searched out after the fact when he realized who James was. He didn't much like the look. The mask looked too much like a muzzle to him, though otherwise it was hot as hell. "Gideon can probably make them for you. But you'll have to keep quiet, too."

"Keep quiet?" Mick called as they came up the ramp. "Think you can manage that? I might have to punch you for every word you say."

Ray was sitting slumped over in a chair, jaw swelling. Mick was gently drawing on his face in magic marker. Everyone else was trying not to stare.

[fist_of_hydra]

"You can try," James retorted, rolling his eyes at his sometimes-nemesis. He did quirk a smile at the marker on Palmer's face, however.

"Gideon can fabricate a synthesizer into the mask that will shift your voice enough to be unrecognizable," Hunter proclaimed. He still looked entirely too pleased about this whole mess, even with Peggy following them back to the ship.

"I can even give you an accent if you like, Sergeant Barnes," Gideon offered, cheerful as ever.

James flinched at the title, though he did his best to hide the reaction. "Don't call me that. I'm not a sergeant anymore." Thank God she'd never done it before this, though she'd clearly known exactly who he was.

Belatedly it occurred to him that everyone had probably been listening in on the discussion with Peggy. Hunter would have wanted to know what went on, and the others were just nosy. That certainly explained the look of awestruck disbelief Stein was giving him.

They'd damn well better not have listened in on his private moment with Len after, though.

[coldlenny]

Len assumed at first that the others had only just heard the last bit, but he also realized eventually that they were looking entirely too smug. He sighed and walked over to Ray, grabbing him by the chin and inspecting his face, but deciding that Mick hadn't done too much damage.

"Nice," he complimented Mick, leaving it open as to whether he was talking about the artwork or the punch. Then he threw himself into a seat.

"So, now that you've all finished gawking, can we figure out our plan for getting Savage, now that we know where he is?"

Reluctantly, the others allowed themselves to be coaxed into a discussion, which Len led and dominated, giving James more time to collect himself.

[fist_of_hydra]

---

Peggy's information gave them a general area in which to search for Savage. Most of the reports about him had been coming from two towns not far from one of HYDRA's bases. Unfortunately, it was indeed the base that the Howling Commandos were out there preparing to raid.

It was unlikely they could get through the area without attracting attention from his old team, but they had to try. If Savage was so close to HYDRA it probably was because the man was attempting to negotiate an alliance. The sort of power Savage held was exactly the type of mysticism that would appeal to the Skull.

James knew he should stay on the ship, keep out of this mission lest one of his old friends see him. The problem was, he was also the one who knew this terrain best, and how to handle any Allied patrols they might run into.

The best way to do the latter would have been for him to continue being Bucky, but they couldn't risk that even if he'd been willing to do so. Instead Ray got to play dress up after all, since he'd only need to pretend long enough to acknowledge a 'friendly force', show their faked orders, and move on.

James got to dress up, too, but he wasn't happy about it. Looking in the mirror and seeing the Winter Soldier stare back, mask and goggles and all, was chilling. He kept fearing that seeing himself this way would cause his mind to revert, as well. He couldn't seem to make himself move away from the mirror in their quarters, feeling like he'd somehow grown rooted to the ground.

He'd grabbed the journal he was currently keeping, scanned the contents in Gideon just in case it got lost, and had it clutched in both hands like a lifeline. He'd give it to Len to carry, and that way hopefully if something did go wrong, they might be able to snap him out of it. It was the only safety precaution he could think of.

[coldlenny]

It sure was taking James a long time. Everyone was getting restless, all dolled up and armed up and ready to go. Finally Len ordered them all to stay put, and then headed back to the room he shared with James.

He walked in and saw James looking like something out of a nightmare, just staring at himself in the mirror.

"Time to head out, lover," he drawled, trying to pretend the sight of him in that muzzle didn't make him want to spit nails. "You finished prettying yourself up?"

[fist_of_hydra]

The sound of his lover's voice finally jolted James out of the near-trance he'd been in. When Len stepped up next to him, reflection joining the Soldier's in the mirror, James shuddered.

He didn't like that image. He didn't want to see Len next to that monster. The monster that was him. God, this was such a bad idea.

There was no other choice. Well, there was, but the other choice was to sit here in the ship and wait helplessly for the others to come back. He couldn't d that, he'd go crazy.

"I'm done." The mask shifted his voice deeper, distorting it slightly. It sounded wrong, but it certainly fit the image, dangerous and menacing. "Sorry, didn't mean to take so long."

[coldlenny]

"It's fine." Len put a hand on his flesh shoulder, though with the thick jacket, he wasn't sure it was any more sensitive than his metal one up there. "You good?"

He didn't think James was good. He also wasn't sure he had a choice.